ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Reserve Bank Governor Philip Lowe has issued a backhanded apology this morning after those people he lured into getting a giant mortgage at almost no interest are now “completely fucked” and will probably end up under a bridge.

“To those people who were stretching their arse to pay the minimum repayment at record low rates, all I can say is, ‘lol sorry’,” he said.

“But really, it’s the bank’s fault for giving you the loan in the first place. Tell you what thought, no cunt will be getting a big mortgage on some Hotondo shitbox in some service-less suburb any time soon,”

“However, I must acknowledge that I did say there would be no interest rate hikes until 2024. That was catagorically incorrect and for that, I apologise [laughs] Oh Jesus, I’ve got the giggles [laughs] Well, everybody with a brain knew the property market was speculative and now they’re blowing up that it’s gone wrong for them. Anyway, the only people who are proper done are the people who’ve bought some dump in the past few months, everyone else is fine,”

“If you’re a bank, though, you’d be asking your prospective customers to put more of Mum and Dad’s dick on the anvil next to theirs so if the bank’s hammer needs to go clang, at least you can make the parents homeless, too. It’s just too risky for banks otherwise.”

Closer to town, a young couple who just bought a blond brick fuckhole next to the Green Avenue Busway in Betoota Heights feel like they might’ve gambled a bit too much and what’s been a sure thing for the past 20 years.

Fred Beans and his defacto Tina Goink have been told that the two bedroom “home” they purchase is now worth 10% less than what they owe on it – and the bank’s hammer is primed to go clang, they say.

“They reckon they’ll keep going up for a few years,” said Fred.

“That’d bankrupt us because it’s not like wages will go up. It’ll just be work, bus, beans on toast, Survivor or some other pulp non-fiction like that, then sleep. I won’t be able to afford anything else.”

Our reporter indicated that perhaps he needs to sack up a bit and stop being a whiny little cunt, especially after he and Tina lived at his parent’s home for six years to save a deposit then they even went guarantor on the fucking shithole just to get him and Tina out the fucking door.

To which Fred agreed.

More to come.


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