EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

In some rather startling news, it can now be confirmed that people whose profession involves being responsible for the livelihood of another human being are far more likely to engage in risky behaviours, and be an absolute unit on the piss.

These findings, conducted by the Betoota Polytechnic University, discovered that psychiatry, medicine and aviation were the biggest culprits, which comes as no surprise given the level of risk tolerance needed to survive in these professions – and of course, an addiction to dopamine doesn’t hurt either.

Given that people in these professional fields are unlikely to reveal too much information about their personal lives, our reporter takes to the streets to ask their mates instead – and learns more about this dark side of our modern day heroes.

*For discretion, nobody interviewed has been named.

“Oh yeah, my psych mates are absolutely fucked”, says one bloke, “I’ve got one friend who’s in charge of looking after patients at a psych hospital.”

“Like, the real hardcore, hearing voices, might stab you kind of patient.”

“Brother snorts ket like no one’s business.”

“Loves any excuse to dress up as a woman.”

Another person interviewed says her surgeon friend is the ‘most fucked up person she knows’ and ‘benders like a pro.’

“Yeah it’s fucked, she’ll smash her way through an entire bag of coke, pop some propananol, and then be back at work after like, three hours sleep.”

“It’s a bit psychotic, really.”

More to come


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