ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Great British Summer is over and the reason behind it has both baffled and concerned climate scientists around the globe.

In the space of just twenty-four hours, the leaves and trees in the pleasure dome that is summer in England have all turned an auburn gold – heralding the beginning of the long winter ahead.

Thousands of tourists are heading home; the Qantas check-in desks at Heathrow are all manned for the first time in months instead of just the one lonely staffer there sitting behind the big dusty desk.

As to what caused the great freeze currently sweeping the British Xanadu, nobody is quite sure according to CSIRO climatologist, Wendy Frost.

“We don’t know what’s caused England to suddenly cool and what’s brought autumn on six weeks early. Whatever did is cause for great concern,” she said, “Facetiming” The Advocate from her desk within a nondescript Canberra office block.

“It might have something to do with their soccer team getting done in extra time last night, which is very funny. Sucked in, you yellow-teethed protectionist suck-holes. And when I say ‘might’, it’s a very big might. It needs to be investigated further,”

“And we’re flat out at the moment so don’t expect anything soon. We’re worried, as climatologists, that our jobs might be next if we don’t fix the climate like the right-faction God Squad in the Coalition expects us to do.”

Frost then dropped out because she lost reception walking into the office kitchenette.

The Advocate‘s own Imran Gashkori, our sports editor, is currently in London and he explained to our reporter that the feeling on the ground there is ‘subdued’.

“I watched the game down at Clapham Common and I had a cup of somebody else’s urine thrown on me when England scored the first time,” he said.

“Fuck this place, man. But yeah, boss. They reckon autumn has begun here. The trees suddenly changed colour when the whistle blew at full time,”

“There were Australians here cheering for England over Croatia. That’s the real story here. Those loyalist losers. Imagine cheering for England in anything. Yuck! I’m coming home next week, please make sure my desk is clean when I get back.”

More to come.


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