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A country of 53 million people that apparently invented football and hosts some of the most storied EPL clubs in the world has been knocked out of the FIFA world cup by a developing Eastern European country with a population the size of Brisbane.

The Republic Of Croatia, formerly known as the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, has knocked England out of the World Cup finals – after close to a month of English fans telling the planet that it’s coming home.

In what was thought to be a guaranteed world cup win, England have realised they might have jumped the gun a bit – after declaring themselves FIFA champions after beating Tunisia and Panama.

Last night’s match, however, didn’t fit the narrative. Because England lost, because Croatia appeared to be better than them.

In the second half of extra-time Croatian Mario Mandzukic kicked the winning goal after Kyle Walker failed to clear the ball. The Juventus forward dipped past John Stones, made a move on the loose ball, and sent her home.

“But… It… It was supposed to be coming home” said Dougald Patterly, a local Englishman with horrible teeth who was watching the match at the Lord Kidman Hotel in Betoota last night.

“But… But… We beat Tunisia!”

It is believed that the population of England will now redirect their energy towards the One Day International cricket matches that they’ve been winning, and leaving the EU because their country is better than the rest of Europe.


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