Group Chat Overcome With Deathly Silence After Mate Suggests Actually Doing Something In Real Life
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA group chat with a seemingly endless stream of memes, inside jokes, gossip and local news has abruptly plunged into a deathly hush. The culprit? A rogue member daring to suggest an unthinkable concept: meeting up in real life.
Jules Tristopher (26), the man behind the incident, dropped the bombshell late last night.
"Hey, does anyone want to go see...
Fur Mumma Welcomes Baby Equality As Virgin Plans To Allow Fur Babies In The Cabin
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local pet owner has rejoiced somewhat this afternoon after alternate air carrier Virgin announced they are seeking approval from the appropriate regulatory body to allowed small dogs and cats to travel in the cabin with their owners.
Sonya Pooley, a Betoota Heights travel agent and fur Mumma to 4-year-old Yorkipoo "Richard", told The Advocate...
Local Stupid White Bastard Says Comments Like Sam Kerr’s Are The Reason He’s Been Oppressed His Entire Life
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactJohn Houston, 56, a resident of Betoota Heights, expressed on his Facebook page today that individuals such as 'Sam Kerr' are contributing to the diminishing status of men like him, who no longer enjoy the privileges once afforded to their fathers.
Houston says the unconscious bias towards stupid white bastards has greatly limited his professional trajectory in the banking...
Grown Woman Still Has To Consult Knuckles To Confirm Number Of Days In Month
LOUIS BURKE | Society | Contact
As March rolls around to say ‘fuck you, there will be Easter shit in shops soon’ local Betootan Elaine Chadwick (30) has relied on old knowledge to determine what today’s date is.
Although she could look at a calendar, her phone, or attempt memorising them, Chadwick is still not entirely sure how many days...
Local Yuppie Runs Hand Through Hair As A Cool Save After Hailing A Bus That Doesn’t Stop
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn one of the all time great saves, local yuppie Max White (28) sent shockwaves through the city streets today after executing a flawless hand-through-hair maneuver following an unsuccessful attempt to hail a bus that refused to stop.
"Wow! Really? He was trying to hail the bus? I thought he was just rubbing his head! He really got me."...
All-Night Bender Brought To A Sudden End By The Haunting Cries Of The Cruel Masked Lapwing
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactPartygoers at a raging all-nighter have this weekend been hit with the woeful cry of the infamous ‘bender bird’, which has quickly killed off any joyous energy in the room and cruelly reminded everyone that kickons past 2am are never a good thing.
The Masked Lapwing, or ‘bender bird’, as it’s non-affectionately called by masters of the sesh, has...
Cyclist Riding On The Footpath Dinging His Bell So People Move Needs To Stop Being Such A Coward And Ride On The Road
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Each morning around 8, a cyclist rides down the foothpath of Rue de Branlette and dings his bell at pedestrians so they get out of his way.
Despite their being a perfectly good bike lane on Route de Londres, which runs parallel to Rue de Branlette, Russell Craig prefers to ride down the footpath...
Villainous High School Pick-Me Girl Makes Seamless Transition Into Millennial Boy Mum
ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | CONTACT
TALE AS OLD AS TIME: In an event that has shocked absolutely no one, least of all the Betoota Heights High graduating class of 2010, it is reported that local woman Carly (not her real name) has finally transitioned from high school ‘pick me girl’ to millennial boy mum.
It’s an evolution that many a pick-me has succumbed to.
The...
Local Smash Repairer Hopes ATO Doesn’t Look Too Closely At His Recent ‘Work Trip’ To Las Vegas
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights smash repairer is running a bit slow this morning after arriving into town late last night on the last Rex flight in from the coast.
For the past ten days, local man Sam Touma has been in Las Vegas with a few mates. About a dozen of them, all local businessmen, made...
Woman Genuinely Stuck In Washing Machine Unsure How To Ask Step Brother For Help
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
A Betoota Heights woman has delicately tried to navigate what could have been a disastrous situation this weekend, after attempts to reach for a sock lost in the back of the washing machine saw her hair getting stuck in the spinner.
Riley Shead, 28, tells The Advocate that not only had she never heard of this incident actually happening...
