LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Acting Prime Minister and man with more nicknames than all the members of D12, Scotty from Marketing aka The Liar From The Shire, has learnt he’s been a very bad boy this year as Santa has gifted him a wind turbine for Christmas.
Known for keeping tabs on who has been naughty and who has been nice since before social media, Santa Claus has made the declaration that Scotty has not behaved himself this year, citing the PMs dragging on climate change, mishandling of sexual assaults within his own cabinet, lack of tact towards allies in France & New Zealand, slowness of vaccine rollouts, sports rorts, going on an overseas trip while 70% of his citizens were in lockdown, overseeing the continued torture of a family of asylum seekers as reasons he was put on the naughty list this year.
“I had to make a new naughty list just for him,” stated Santa.
“To be honest, I can rule out visiting the Shire most years.”
Traditionally, the fat man in the red suit gives lumps of coal to those who have misbehaved but upon remembering the Australian PMs fondness for the combustible sedimentary rock decided a more targeted approach should be used to teach Scotty a Christmas lesson.
“What the fuck is this!?” yelled Mr Morrison, at the sight of a gift wrapped wind turbine beneath his Christmas tree.
“When I saw Santa at Westfields I told him I wanted money or a voucher!”
“This better not be a bloody wind turbine! Or clothes!”
The PM has doubled down and stated that if he didn’t care about the North Pole melting before he certainly doesn’t now.
“I think we are all tired of the fact that Santa is waging a war on Christmas.”
“We need to return to the original meaning of Christmas, so I’m going to talk with the big fella upstairs, find out what it is and go from there.”
MORE TO COME.
