EFFIE BATEMAN | Local News | Contact
Former wild man Alan Watts has deeply leaned into his new life as a respectable member of society.
The 34-year-old accountant, known at the office for being the one who organises potluck lunches and spontaneously bursting into Disney melodies, reckons his days doing Edward Beer hands are firmly behind him.
Alan says he’d forgotten he used to be a dickhead until a mate from uni reached out.
“A part of me thought I should just ignore him but I felt a bit guilty,” says Alan, “I mean he gave me my first frosty.”
“I thought it might be good to catch up with the boys.”
Alan had assumed it would be a quiet one but should have known better when his former best mate, Carl ‘Stava’ Stavros suggested an RSL as a ‘place to start.’
Ever the early arriver, Alan had been enjoying an aromatic glass or white wine when Stava burst out of the pokies room somehow balancing four jugs of beer.
“WATTTTTTTSSSSSYYYYY! Fuckin look at you mate!” As Alan and Stava awkwardly tried to get back into their old banter they were soon saved with the arrival of Dan and Josh.
This prompted Stava, who’d previously been the beta of the pack, to start peacocking.
“Come on Wattsy your tuuuuuurn.”
“You’ve been nursing that all night.”
When Stava’s ribbing failed to get Alan started, Stava suddenly turned into Tony Robbins.
“You only live once mate.”
“What are you going to think about on your deathbed? Your job? NAH, fucking life’s experiences.”
“One day you won’t be able to do this.”
However, it was Josh, the resident quiet mate who always drops the biggest bombs, that delivered the final blow, ushering the six words responsible for 90% of reckless activity.
“The old you would do it.”
More to come.
