18 July, 2016. 12:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THE SEISMIC FINANCIAL SHIFT TOWARD a cashless economy is doing the nation’s homeless out of the job, a recent report has suggested.

Australians are, on average, carrying less cash than ever before.

Only a generation ago,  there was no option than to have some folding stuff or a chequebook in your back pocket. Now, there’re a plethora of different methods you can pay with.

54-year-old full-time schizophrenic Carl Mortlocke confided in The Advocate earlier this week, saying that he had to take drastic action – otherwise, he’d be forced to cut off his matted hair and get a job.

“Nobody carries cash anymore. They just use cards, which is exactly what that reptilian humanoid Paul Keating wants,” he said.

“So I ordered an EFTPOS terminal online and had a social worker bitch set me up an ABN. Then with that little PayPass dongle, I just superglued it my forehead and sniffed the rest of it that night,”

“Punters and sinners can just tap their card on my head outside the train station or the park or wherever the super electric Jesus takes me. I ask them how much then I punch it in and they can go ham on my head. Genius.”

When asked what he plans to do with his impending riches, Mr Liston explained that he wants to travel to drink water out of every ocean in the world.

“I’m sick of drinking our seawater, it gives me headaches.” he said.


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