FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
Bindi Irwin, Rebel Wilson and anyone who’s been on Married At First Sight have all been approved by the Australian press to once again start performing menial tasks that wouldn’t normally warrant nationwide media coverage if they were done by anyone else.
“Finally! I’ve been waiting to take out the bins for over a week but they said I wasn’t allowed to yet” said a clearly excited Bindi, blissfully unaware of an upcoming Daily Mail hit piece entitled “TAKING OUT THE TRASH: Is this the end for Bindi and Chandler?” featuring 500 words that confirmed that no, the happy newlyweds will not be separating.
Meanwhile, actress Rebel Wilson has been approved to shop for new clothes, on the condition that she show the media pack the tags of any purchased clothing to confirm the size is newsworthy and provides journalists with daily updates of her current weight.
“We’ve been raring to go” explained a journalist from some online sight. “I’ve already got a great headline here: “LOOK AT HER NOW! Rebel Wilson steps out in style wearing Size ?? outfit!” I just need to find out what her current size is and I can reuse the content from the last time we ran this article; two weeks ago.”
Members of the general public are also relieved the news crisis is over and normal life can resume. “It’s been so hard to get through each day without hearing what minor celebrities are up to” explained pine cone collector Alice Garter, 66.
“Luckily I’d been able to save some old articles to re-read. Last night I read a 1200 word article about the bonbonnieres at Bindi and Chandler’s wedding and this morning I had to re-re-re-read a shock exclusive about Rebel getting a parking ticket. But you can only read the articles so many times before you start to wonder why anybody not related to them would be interested. When you start thinking like that, it really does make you wonder if there’s more to life than … wait; look a new update! Rebel is buying a pair of shoes! I wonder what size they are?”
More to come, inevitably.
