CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
In an effort to avoid public drunkenness and unwanted scenes of unrest, New South Wales Premier Mike Baird and his Queensland counterpart, Annastacia Palaszczuk, have confirmed this morning that police in both states have been advised to use “healthy stereotypes” on Australia Day – in an effort to provide crowd control during public celebrations.
“There is no reason to get offended. You can wave the flag, you can wear it on a T-shirt, you can wear it on a hat. But if you wear it as a cape, we will ask you to remove it,”
“We aren’t looking for your average Aussie bloke, we are targeting the obnoxious crumbs from the suburbs. The ones that fill up on Mexican beer and become boisterous,” says Baird, who was in Brisbane this morning to show support for Campbell Newman in his upcoming election bout.
“These are the blokes that gave Cronulla a bad name, these are the ones that blur the line between patriotic and hateful. You can drink as much piss as you want but if you are doing it while wearing an Australian flag as a cape… expect to be targeted,”
Annastacia Palaszczuk made sure to second Baird’s comments.
“Obviously, Queensland police will be a bit more hands-on in this process. But in all honesty, you can wear anything you want on the day. Australian flag aprons are fine – in fact I would encourage people to wear aprons – they are so classic,”
“As for flag-capes, it is common knowledge that the people who wear these things are the type of people we don’t want sitting next to us at a beach picnic. The Queensland police will be targeting them and if any hostility arises, they will be responding accordingly,”
“Tasers, pepper spray, handcuffs, whatever it takes. We have them armed to the teeth to avoid this kind of sh*t. But that’s for the worst case scenarios. I daresay most of the punters will just be asked to take the cape off.”
Many “Australian Civil Rights” groups have come out in protest to these remarks, with the dwindling Australian Defence League stating that “it’s racism to white people”.
Mike Baird has taken the time to respond to these claims while speaking to the Betoota Advocate today.
“I can see how it looks like we are discriminating against people, but we aren’t. There is no reason to get offended. You can wave the flag, you can wear it on a T-shirt, you can wear it on a hat. But if you wear it as a cape, we will ask you to remove it,”
“If you don’t have a shirt underneath, our police will provide you with some cool surf-brand t-shirts. We have all the groovy labels: Quiksilver, Hot Tuna, Piping Hot. No need for unrest, just do what you’re told.”