ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

After being ridiculed and mocked for his lack of sporting knowledge, the Prime Minister has taken a course of action against that flaw in his Australian character by forcing himself to watch cricket and tennis each night.

However, speaking to The Advocate earlier today, one of Malcolm Turnbull’s aids has revealed that when a dubious caught behind decision went upstairs and the third umpire asked for HotSpot, he turned and asked one of his staff why they film cricket in night vision these days.

“The whole room just kind of paused,” said the aide. “We thought, ‘Fuck me, this bloke really knows fuck all about sport,’ and we just told him that it’s infrared and they use it to detect bat-on-ball.”

“We should’ve known something was up when Malcolm asked us not to chuck him things when he asked for them. I don’t think he can even catch a pen thrown across a room. There was a bloke who I went to school with who we used to tease because he had the hand-eye of a panda stoned on ketamine. I think Malcolm might be worse than he was.”

Quick to dispell the rumour that he hates sport, the Member for Wentworth directed a morning press conference away from the topic at hand, the comments made by the NSW Deputy Premier, to tell journalists that he loves sports like every other PM that’s come before him.

“I love cricket and have enjoyed a life-long affinity with the game,” he said. “I was simply making a humorous remark to my staff. Of course, I know what night vision is.”


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