ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A groundbreaking new study into the cult of veganism has uncovered a disturbing new trend in which the easiest way to learn that somebody is a vegan is to simply wait until they tell you.
Australia’s peak scientific body, the CSIRO, released the paper earlier this morning at a Canberra press conference where the organisation’s spokesman outlined that it takes roughly seven minutes on average for a vegan to tell you that they’re vegan.
“It certainly came as a shock to our research team, let alone what the public thought,” said the government official.
“While it may have been easier in the past to learn somebody was a vegan by keeping close attention to what they ate, it’s now much simpler to just wait until they tell you themselves,”
“A vegan will tell you that they’re vegan, according to our research, after around seven minutes of first meeting you. Like it’s a badge of honour, some sort of social and ethical Victoria Cross. We can’t see it changing anytime soon either.”
However, a number of leading local vegans have hit back at the federally-funded science club, saying that they don’t just tell everyone they meet that they’re vegan – they’re trying to educate people about their way of life.
Chrysoprase Epiphany [right] from the Royal Society of South Betootanese Vegans [RSSBV] lashed out at the boffins behind the study, explained to The Advocate that pigeonholing all vegans as ‘self-indulgent, narcissistic sociopaths’ is dangerous and inaccurate.
“People can just tell that I’m a vegan just by looking at me,” she said.
“Not because I look like Janis Joplin or smell like Bert Newton, but because of my glow. Meat is full of toxins and antibiotics that besmirch the good work your body does keeping you healthy,”
“Honestly, don’t knock it till you try it. I won’t apologise for trying to help other people help themselves.”
More to come.