Impulsive Friday Blow-Out Ruins Whatever Girlfriend Had Planned For Saturday
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
WAKING UP EARLY ON SATURDAY afternoon, 29-year-old Carter Stephens didn't feel like doing much - in fact, he doesn't feel like doing anything until Monday.
It feels like ants are crawling all over his brain. He's almost convinced himself that he's dying.
Thoughts of doing Dry July are crossing his mind, despite his birthday being in the...
Local Bikies Don’t Have The Heart To Expose Friendly Undercover Cop
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
None of the members of local bikie gang the Betoota Brotherhood MC have the heart to tell Sgt Matt Southwell, of the Queensland Special Police Service, that they are very well aware of the fact that he is obviously an undercover cop.
Mr Southwell was assigned to infiltrate the outlaw motorcycle club two weeks ago, and is...
Not Even 2016 Budget Can Drown Out The Howls Of Burning Refugees Inside Dutton’s Head
4 May, 2016 13:15
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
In case you haven't heard, last night our Federal Treasurer Scott Morrison handed down his first budget, unveiling a plan to save billions by cracking down on multi-national tax avoidance and shaking up the superannuation system.
While the 2016 budget comes across as far less psychopathic than anything Joe Hockey put on the table, it is still far...
Report: Watching An Entire Episode Of Ellen Is The Pinnacle Of Unemployment
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Local woman, Ashley Mapusua, says six straight days of watching the Ellen Show is enough for even the most uninspired jobseeker.
After a fortnight of unemployment, Ashley has finished watching 'all the good stuff' on Netflix and is now killing time by watching light-hearted American daytime television.
"It hurts. I lost my job as a sub-editor due to redundancies...
Local RSL Refuses To Relocate Open-Air Toilet From Pokies Room
28 April, 2016 18:15
MERV HARRIS | Culture | CONTACT
There are reports this afternoon from the Betoota RSL that the open-air toilets in the club's pokie room is housing a smell that would bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened veteran.
Pokie Room attendant and former glassie, Andrew Oldham, said that patrons will simply have to deal with the stench...
Local Man’s War Against Capitalism On Hold Until He Reports His Earnings To Centrelink
27 April, 2016 09:35
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
33-year-old Marrickville man, Ryan Minto, has put his dreams of smashing the bourgeoisie on hold, until he can prove he is actively seeking employment.
In order to receive this week's Newstart Allowance of $255.25, the heavily opinionated underachiever must prove that he has applied for ten or more unskilled labouring positions and notifies Centrelink that he...
Local Creep Stands A Bit Too Close In Otherwise Empty Row Of Urinals
13 April, 2016. 10:15
MERV HARRIS | Contributor | CONTACT
In a bizarre turn, a local man chose to stand immediately next to another man at a row of vacant urinals in Betoota this afternoon.
Identified only by the Sydney Roosters tattoo on his wrist, the culprit took up the position at the otherwise empty bank of amenities in a quiet suburban pub early hours...
Local man plans to put new stomach staples to the test over dinner
12 April, 2015. 17:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
KNOWN NOW TO his mates as "Staple Man", a North Betootanese network engineer said this morning that his new stomach will be no match for what he's planning to eat for dinner.
Glenn Peterson once had a lap band, but it broke during a 2012 binge at the old Hong Wang Diner...
Local Machine Hammers Entire Bootload Of Groceries In One Trip
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Local woman, Deborah Farrah (45) has stunned neighbours today by transporting $300 worth of groceries from the boot of her Holden Commodore to the kitchen bench in one load.
The single-mother-of-three says its no big deal, and sometimes you just need harden up.
"Yeah, the fingers were hurting by the time I got to the steps, but...
Local Milf Signs On For Second Season Of Teenage Neighbour’s Wet Dreams
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Local Milf, Catrina Deardan (41) is completely unaware that she is the sole reason her teenage son's schoolmates are having extra long showers before dinner.
The mother of three - who is seemingly ignorant to how fucking hot she is - also has a similar affect on her teenage neighbour, Tim. Another close friend of her fourteen...
