14 January, 2016. 14:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

EATING LIKE A prisoner of war and walking everywhere is being heralded by doctors as the foolproof method to losing weight.

As this is a developed country, the overwhelming majority of Australians aren’t forced to hit the footpaths for hours at a time – and generally enjoy more dietary variety than two cups of Japanese rice a day.

Aside from the communists who use bike lanes, nearly everybody surveyed who uses their bodies to get to work each day said if they could, they’d drive or get the bus.

After being captivated by Indiana Jones as a young lad, 26-year-old Sam Gerrings said he’d follow his dream and study archeology when he left school. Rather than find himself searching high and low for priceless artifacts around the world, Gerrings is now living just above the poverty line in Sydney’s outer-inner western cringe.

“That chinless cunt George Lucas lied to me, then he thought he fuck Star Wars while he was at it,” said a visibly frustrated Gerrings. “If there was any shred of realism to those movies, it would’ve shown Harrison Ford bussing tables and having Amex cards thrown at him by people he ultimately wanted to be.”

We then bought Sam a full English breakfast, which improved his mood.

“What where you talking about again? Oh yeah. Nah it’s true. The easiest way to lose weight is quit your job and eat rice and drink instant coffee until your mind starts playing tricks on you. Fuck, man. One morning I actually considered going to church to look for God. Like him personally. I hadn’t eaten or slept for three days and I think it was getting in my head a bit. But after I put away a can of creamed corn for breakfast, I came to my senses.”

After listening to Sam's mean spirited description of George Lucas, our graphics department discovered that Sam was actually right. PHOTO: Supplied.
After listening to Sam’s mean spirited description of George Lucas, our graphics department discovered that he was actually right. PHOTO: Supplied.

However, nearly every doctor we spoke to said that going on a similar diet to a bloke held captive in Changi is actually pretty dangerous.

Dietitian and faux-doctor, Dr Greg Poon says that the Australian POWs didn’t receive a proper nutritional diet during their stay in the camps. He also went onto agree that adopting an eating regime similar to what Mr Gerring outlined would result in weight loss, but it might also kill you.

“If you eat like that, you’re doing irreparable damage to your body and you’ll be the first to die among your friends,” said Poon.

“That being said, a lot of people say they’d die to be skinny. Runway models are like NFL blockers and professional wrestlers, except rather than die from anabolic steroid and protein abuse, models tend to do more blow than Jesus and eat like it’s Christmas in Dafur, which is just as fatal.”


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