ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A new study into the dangers of working from home have been released by a research group funded almost exclusively by a local real estate lobby group, complete with projections of what it will do to workers physically and mentally.

The Commercial Real Estate Investors’ Guild (CRIG) shared the study to local media via press release this morning that showcased a man/pig hybrid that’s said to be the net result of working from home for extended periods of time.

The research paper also claimed that the man/pig hybrid developed autism because of the sustained social isolation, which is something the paper alludes to as being a “bad” thing.

Moreover, the paper’s author reiterates repeatedly that the only way to prevent a worker from turning into an autistic man/pig hybrid is to demand they come back to the office, which provides a number of health benefits that “the leftie laptop worker class don’t understand” or “choose to wilfully ignore”.

“We all know that people who work from home have a poor diet, they get food delivered for every meal,” the paper claimed.

“This, coupled with the fact that their only friend is some indoor dog, can lead to some workers developing symptoms described above. The only way to prevent this is to make sure workers are getting enough face-to-face time at the office. Commuting to work has a number of health benefits. Having pensive moments on the train, being deep in thought, is good for you. Road rage is also a great outlet for workers to get their pent up aggression out. If you get cut off by some thoughtless idiot, reach under your seat for that trusty length of rebar, open your door and drag him out of his car and lash him about the face and chest with deadly powerful blows until the cops come. It’s refreshing,”

“There’s no greater thrill for the average corporate johnny that to fight another man to the death with your bare hands. Workers can’t get that working from home. It’s also better for workers to receive guidance and discipline at work. Any bitch can mug someone off through a computer screen, it takes a real G to stare someone in the eyes as they tell them they’re fucking useless and need to start looking at their options for when their enterprise agreement expires in June. Offices are also nice in other ways.”

The Advocate reached out to the Home Workers’ Association for comment but their present, Wendell Hussey, was reportedly sleeping off lunch on the couch.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here