ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

As Theo Delonghi pulled up to the intersection of Boyd and Longhurst in Betoota’s Old City district, he noticed that he was about to get the green light to proceed across the intersection.

However, some inconsiderate colostomy-bag-of-a-human-being, by his own description, had queued across said intersection – which caused mild inconvenience to the supplement store owner.

So as the light turned green, the 27-year-old sounded the horn of his late model automatic four-cylinder Ford Mustang as he rounded the arsehole who blocked his path.

“I could feel the pleasure way down in my balls. A heavy, powerful tingle. Right on the gooch,” said Delonghi, as his eyes rolled back in his head in ecstasy recalling the moment.

“I know that beeping the loser in his Toyota LoserCruiser queued over the intersection wouldn’t help the situation in the slightest, I never pass up an opportunity to sound my horn at lesser motorists,”

“They say the meek will inherit the Earth, but the alphas rule the roads.”

According to local business owners and residents who live around the notorious intersection, it’s not uncommon for people to queue across it – and Theo isn’t the first person to take pleasure in needlessly honking someone who makes that mistake.

One resident has taken it upon himself to leave a box of river rocks beside his fourth-story window overlooking the intersection. Not so he can stone the clumsy motorist causing the inconvenience, but to cast rocks at those who create noise pollution.

“I got one bloke the other day,” said the resident, who asked to remain anonymous.

“He was driving an older model Volkswagen Golf convertible, the ones with the canvas roof. Anyway, he was honking away at some poor fucking truck driver who got caught out. Yeah, big deal mate, just drive around him and be on your way. But no, he just stood on the horn and pissed everyone off,”

“So I went to the window and threw a stone down at his car. Thing is but, it went straight through the canvas and clocked him right on top of his head. It turned him off like I hold the power button down on a frozen laptop. He careened across the intersection, seizing behind the wheel, then crashed into the cafe, crushing a parking ranger in the process. Win-win I say.”

More to come.


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