ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A week-long study into toasted sandwich filling conducted by Australia’s peak scientific body has concluded that the molten food stuff is ‘more than able’ to melt steel beams.

Earlier today, the CSIRO released a statement to the media outlining the findings – which failed to surprise any red-blooded Australian raised on the popular dish.

The type of steel beams popular in the construction industry have a melting point of approximately 1500 degrees celsius, whereas scientists discovered recently that some toasted sandwich fillings can reach temperatures of 5600 degrees, hotter than the surface of the sun.

“It’s really quite exciting,” said lead researcher Jack Waters.

“I’m sure many people will tell you that they’re not surprised by learning this, as nearly all facial burns suffered in this country are caused by toasted sandwiches. They’re not dangerous to consume but are often consumed too quickly after cooking. This is a significant discovery none the less.”

However, the study’s findings have come too late for one South Betoota disability pensioner, who lost his both his cheeks in a toasted sandwich-related incident.

In 2011, Shenal Hatton bit into a leftover taco mince and cheddar toasted sandwich just seconds after retrieving it from the press. What happened next rocked our small town to its very core.

“I basically lost my cheeks,” he said, after some struggle.

The sound of Hatton makes when he speaks is similar to the noise heard when emptying a hot water bottle in the morning once it’s gone cold.

“I remember biting down into it and feeling the stuffing burn through my cheeks and slopping down onto the table. I watched it burn through my plate and onto the floor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Burning, sizzling, through my cheeks… and I’m surviving.”

More to come.


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