Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Matthew Greenholm was 12 years old, he told his parents he wanted to be a pilot. But as Powderfinger so eloquently sang on arguably their greatest single: "These days turned out nothing like I'd planned." The Gemini is now a 29-year-old leasing agent at LJ Hooker South Betoota, who despite his outward assurances, doesn't seem...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There will be a time and place when the smoke alarm system at the Dupont Apartment complex in Betoota Heights will save lives. It worked flawlessly last night as it woke 67-year-old Gavin Pooley from his slumber around 3 AM. But even if it didn't, it wouldn't have cost him his life. For the third time this...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Productivity at a French Quarter sports marketing firm has ground to a halt this afternoon as The Undertaker made his return to the highest altar of explosive sports entertainment. So much so, the company partners declared an emergency meeting after lunch to discuss what to do as their entire staff sat transfixed before the lunchroom...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a world where image is everything, a quick-thinking entomology professor at South Betoota Polytechnic College has saved the day after he partially wet himself shortly before lunch today by untucking one side of his shirt. Having classes on Sunday isn't a new concept for Associate Professor Gilbert Sutherland - but failing to shake moments...

KEPPEL RANKIN | Local News | Contact “Seriously but, there is no way I’d step into the ring with Morny, he’d take my head off,” laughed one friend. A conversation at the North Betoota Hotel on Friday night has reconfirmed a group of friend’s reluctance to fight one of their mates - if it ever came to it. It was quickly...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "What is 'Dazos Brothers Sth Betoota Pty Ltd' and what did I buy there for $10.40?" Smelling her the cuffs of her Zimmerman jacket, Ollie Hawker concluded that it was probably something with garlic. This morning, the skittish Gemini woke to a dull headache, mild thirst and an awkward lethargy that will dictate the rest of her...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Throughout the day, Danny Madigan was led to believe he and the rest of his WhatsApp group would be getting on the beers from about 4 pm today. So at 4 pm today, the 28-year-old arrived at the Dolphins Leagues Club to find he was the first piece of shit there. "So I shrugged and got...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local fourth-year bakers apprentice has this week wound up with a bit of extra cash than usual, after pulling off a cheeky Keno win during an Easter family gathering at Betoota Dolphins Leagues Club. Dale Berrigan, 20, said he was just “feeling generous” when he reached for the 98% octane nozzle at the local Puma, in what he puts down to a random act of...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though Betoota Heights is essentially a quiet grid pattern with two main streets, local fitness fanatic, Peter Douglas, says he's only able to do his morning and afternoon jogs down the busiest streets when foot traffic is at its heaviest. "It's a real inconvenience," said the 34-year-old. "I'm trying to do my cardio and there's just a sea of slow walking...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Sacha Boromir arrived home to South Betoota just before Christmas but he's not ready to let go of London, according to his wallet. There are times when, upon boarding the KonnektSouth Bus line that goes past his parent's three bedder on Green Road, he accidentally pulls his Oyster card - London's equivalent of Betoota's BaiameCard - from his wallet and holds...