IN-Focus

Little Bitch Wristwatch Not Even 50 Metres Waterproof

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An inferior local wristwatch wouldn't even be able to endure the water pressure fifty metres below surface, it has been confirmed. Despite claiming to be 25 metres waterproof, the portable timepiece isn't even really trusted an arms length underwater - and definitely wouldn't last one day in the Australian Clearance Diving Team Four (one of two commissioned Clearance Diving Teams in the Royal Australian Navy). The...

Travel Agent Cuts Out Middle Man And Just Sells Bag To Couple Booking South American Holiday

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local travel agency has created controversy this morning after they revealed that they've been offering narcotics to ordinary Betootanese people looking to book a holiday to South America. Coleman & Sons Travel, in Betoota's French Quarter district, stands accused of dealing cocaine to prospective travellers in an effort to cut out the middle man. The...

Sales manager mentions that he did the City2 Surf for the 25th time this week

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Rodger Samuels’ colleagues have confirmed that they have almost had enough this week, after a certain fun run was mentioned numerous times. Rodger, a sales manager, has been blissfully unaware about his self-promotion over the last few weeks, much to the ire of some of his colleagues. “Look don’t get me wrong, fantastic that he did the City2Surf, I admire...

Local Apprentice Treated To Pixelated Porno That His Boss’s Mate Sent Him

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Graham Scholls is a simple man. He enjoys his dog racing, party pies for dinner and building people's dreams with his own two hands. But for all the joy he brings into the lives of everyday Betootanese people, the 49-year-old builder often makes his 17-year-old apprentice uncomfortable by making him critique and watch pornographic videos every now and then. Blake Washbrook...

Question Time named highest-rating television drama this week

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact For the first time in recorded history, the ABC's Question Time has taken out the number one spot in the television drama ratings category. The national broadcaster is reportedly 'chuffed' with the accolade, saying that many people have worked hard on the popular programme and that this news validates that. "Writers, producers, directors and actors. There's...

20-Something Announces Shock Retirement From Local Club Scene

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact After plenty of nights spent salmon-ing around in sweaty Betoota night clubs, Max Gosku has finally decided to give it away. After spending most of the day licking his wounds, the landscaper living in the French Quarter resident confirmed that he is finished for good. “I’m fucking done, aye. I never actually liked clubbing, and now...

Local Life Ruined After Man Clicks ‘Hello’ Instead Of ‘Photos’ On New Coworker’s Profile

BERNICE TWISP | Social Media | Contact An Old City senior content executive has been forced to fold his Compaq laptop over his knee this morning after accidentally clicking the new 'Hello' tab above the 'Photos' button on a new colleague's Facebook profile. Late last night, Robbie Barn fired off a friend request to the new guy in the office, Gabriel, just to be friendly. When it...

Local Woman’s ‘Iso Mood’ Perfectly Captured By Lethargic Domestic Animal

BERNICE TWISP | Social Media | Contact A local woman with a bad case of the Iso exhaustion has taken to social media this afternoon to vent her current feelings on the day by taking a picture of a sleeping animal and superimposing the word 'mood' over it. Vanessa Smart told The Advocate that 'she didn't even do anything' over the week but somehow she...

Shirt Passes Sniff Test For The Third Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Meeting his mother for Sunday brunch this morning, Tom Priest knew he had to look his best. Otherwise, his mother Bridgette would grow concerned about where his life is heading, seeing as though her 28-year-old can't even be trusted to launder his own clothes. However, the planets aligned for East Betootanese real estate agent. "I mustn't have...

$223m study finds Led Zeppelin’s ‘Stairway To Heaven’ was probably about drugs

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A landmark study undertaken by Australia's peak scientific body, Bauer Media, has concluded that Led Zeppelin's seminal 1971 song 'Stairway To Heaven' was most probably about drugs. The $223m report was commissioned in early 2006 after a number of executives at Bauer, the publisher of popular men's interest zine Picture Mag, got into an argument over what the song actually...

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