ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has shut down any talk of Australia importing American beef, citing two key reasons.
“With the greatest respect, it sucks, and it’s full of germs,” he said.
Speaking at a press conference today, the PM dismissed concerns over Donald Trump’s new “Liberation Day” tariffs, which take aim at countries that won’t accept American beef, among other things.
“We’re not about to start importing inferior meat,” Albanese said.
“It’d be like Queenslanders buying mangoes from Tasmania or South Australians drinking a Port Douglas shiraz. We’ve got the best beef in the world right here.”
To hammer home the point, the PM gestured to a table stacked with Jack’s Creek Wagyu, a stacked pyramid of Wonder White bread and every sauce any Australian could want. A chef in full whites seared thick-cut sirloins to a perfect medium-rare as the press looked on.
“I hope you all skipped breakfast, we have enough steak sandwiches to go ’round”,” he said.
“Try finding beef like this in America,” Albanese said, slapping the chef on the back.
“Our farmers produce the highest quality beef on the planet. Jack’s Creek is literally the best, it won a global competition, two years in a row. 2023 and last year. Why would we settle for less?”
Australia’s strict biosecurity laws mean American beef isn’t welcome, and the PM made it clear that won’t change anytime soon.
“Our cattle aren’t pumped full of hormones and antibiotics. It’s not covered with Mad Cow, either. We take biosecurity seriously. We’re not lowering our standards because Trump’s having a sook.”
As the PM took a bite, nodding in satisfaction, a journalist hesitantly accepted a piece from the chef.
“Eat it,” he said.
Meanwhile, reports suggest Trump may target Australian lamb next.
“If he does, we’ll be having roast lamb every night of the week. Should we nationalise a few abattoirs? Meat, brought to you buy the Federal Government.”
More to come.
