Dugong Population Drops 50% In Shock To Scientists That Have Never Tasted One As They Are Delicious

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Scientists are growing concerned this week after dugong populations in the Gulf are estimated to be 50% of what they were just a few years ago.

While there are the usual suspects of habitat loss, global warming, blah blah blah, the scientists in question are failing to take into account that dugongs are actually fucking delicious and should really be farmed because of that.

Shooting dugongs from the bow of a tinny is heavily frowned upon but legal for certain communities up that way that've eaten dugong for thousands of years. Not like some Bulimba podiatrist can just scoot up there with his lever-action .30-30 and put a few holes in a couple of marine wagyus.

Speaking to The Advocate, some doctor in sandals said the rate at which the dugong has disappeared has blown the puka shell anklets off his bronzed feet.

"They must be eating one a week," he said.

"I've had a bit of it back in the day. We had dugong backstrap one night. One of the Border Force boats ran one over and they called us over to get it. It's fucken tasty but fuck me, you can't be hoeing into sea mammals like that. There's flat out not enough to go 'round. I get it, I'm not some kissless virgin in a white lab coat from UQ carrying on like a fat bloke that's just been chased up ten flights of stairs by a pack of wild dogs. I'm approaching this as someone who lives up here and has seen the dugong numbers go to shit."

"It might be the crocs, actually. Not even sure if our First Nations brothercousins are around to light them up with a .30-30 anymore. We certainly can't. But as a scientist, we should be able to light them up from time to time. There's a million of them up here and you heard it from me, saltwater crocs are fucked. I hate them."

The Advocate reached out to the Queensland Government for comment but they reckon play on with whatever's going on up there, just don't tell them what is going on up there and they're sweet.

More to come.