The famous rock ballad ‘Zombie’ was the first ever song with a female vocalist to reach one billion views on YouTube – and it hasn’t left the top ten charts in Thailand since it was released in 1994.

The Cranberries hit is remembered as “a masterpiece of alternative rock” – and one that exposed the world to the horror of conflict between Irish Republican paramilitaries and the British army during the period of sectarian conflict in Northern Ireland known as The Troubles.

However, nearly 30 years after Zombie’s release, the Irish are well and truly over it.

It’s got the rest of the world asking once again “WHAT’S IN YOUR HEAD?”

The fact of that matter is, the Irish just don’t care about all that anymore.

This is a surprising change of tune, especially considering the fact that the historically IRA-affiliated Sinn Féin received more votes in the 2020 Irish election than ever before, and now holds the balance of power.

With sectarian violence still popping off in towns up north, and tensions continuing to grow over the possibility of a hard border between the British soil of Northern Ireland and the rest of the Republic – it comes a surprise that majority of the island wants to now celebrate the arrival of England.

Inspired by the ‘Australia Day’ celebrations that take place on the anniversary of the British invasion of the Aboriginal Eora people’s land in Botany Bay – the Irish think it’s time to act like a grown up country, and treat English Imperialism the way Aussies do!

That is, as a glorious moment in history! One that only rivals the time we got to host the Olympics in that same city where the Poms began spreading smallpox and committing massacres in the late 1700s.

Ireland’s Taoiseach (Prime Minster) Micheál Martin says that after a century of putting bombs under cars and assassinating British Royals, the Irish want revise their own history like Australia has – and are prepared to rewrite the British as happy go lucky whitefellas that wanted nothing more than to make life better for the people who were already living on their Ireland when they arrived.

The Irish have today celebrated their very first ‘UK DAY’ – in celebration of the ‘coming of the light’ and all the great stuff that has happened to their country since then – like when King Henry VIII decided he wanted to invent a new religion and force it upon them.

The spread of Protestantism and the erasure of the Irish language and culture was consolidated during the wars and conflicts of the 17th century, including the English and Scottish colonisation in the Plantations of Ireland, the Wars of the Three Kingdoms and the Williamite War.

Irish losses during the Wars of the Three Kingdoms are estimated to include 20,000 battlefield casualties. 200,000 other also died as a result of the British-aided potato famine, displacement, guerrilla activity and pestilence throughout the war. A further 50,000 were sent into indentured servitude to cut sugar cane and harvest tobacco in Barbados and several other islands in the West Indies. It is estimated that 504,000 Catholic Irish and 112,000 Protestant settlers died, and 100,000 people were transported away.

“This is the stuff we ought to be celebrating” said the Taoiseach, 

“That’s what the Aussies do”

“From this day on, anyone who has an issue with the UK DAY celebrations are nothing but a bunch of left-wing snowflakes”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here