US Places 1,000,000% Tariff On Belgian Chocolate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The United States were booted from their own World Cup by the rather bizarre European nation of Belgium this week, which has sent the President into one of his trademark conniptions where he does stuff you'd expect was beneath the office.

In response to the Belgians winning 4-1 the other day, Trump has announced tariffs of up to 1,000,000% on all chocolate from the renowned chocolating nation.

The measure requires Yankee importers to pay $10,000 in duties for every $1 of Belgian chocolate entering the country. A White House spokesperson described the policy as "proportionate" as it sends a message to other nations moving forward.

Under the new arrangement, a 50-cent praline will cost $5,000.50 landed, roughly the price of a straight mid-90s Corolla. Your standard chocolate bar will cost $25,002.50, within striking distance of a new dogshit MG hatchback.

A deluxe advent calendar, once just $42 wholesale, will now land at a whopping $420,042, which is almost exactly the price of the median American home, which trade analysts say at least simplifies the decision for young families this Christmas.

At $10,001 per ounce, Belgian chocolate becomes more valuable by weight than gold, saffron and Secretariat's cum combined.

Treasury projects the tariff will raise $2 trillion a year. Independent economists project $0, on the grounds that nobody will pay it and imports will cease by Thursday.

The duties will be collected from American importers, not Belgium, a detail the administration is believed to be aware of but does not care to articulate in any way, shape or form.

In Bruges, local chocolatiers have offered their perfunctory condolences.

"We are devastated. Heartbroken, truly," said fourth-generation chocolatier Maarten De Cumfoot.

"Anyway, the quarterfinal is Saturday. Spain will be getting the pain!"

The US Consulate in Betoota Grove as been approached for comment bu has yet to reply to this masthead's queries.

More to come.

N.B. All maths in this article was done using the calculator on my Nokia XR20 while sitting in the Adelaide Airport Rex Lounge so I do not take responsibility for its accuracy. Thank you.