US Confirms We Are Getting The Nuclear Submarine Equivalent Of A Rooted Captiva

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The United States Navy has confirmed this week that the Virgina-class submarines we have paid top dollar for are actually going to come used instead of brand new, which has prompted many in the government to begin asking questions.

A source close to the AUKUS deal has told The Advocate that the first few subs we will be getting will be the equivalent of turning up to a Holden dealer expecting to pick up a new Calais and the being chucked the keys for a rooted old Captiva that's blowing a bit of blue smoke with all the clearcoat peeling off the fucken thing.

The first submarine will arrive with pre-stretched timing chains, oil leaks from the reactor, camshaft worn to fuck, fucked ignition coil packs, the typical cooling system problems, overheating issues (bad for nuclear reactors), premature battery drain, random warning lights, infotainment glitches, power windows and central locking faults, excessive fuel consumption, water leaking in through the door seals, and the aforementioned clearcoat failures.

In response to the news, one Labor senator told The Advocate that it's cause for concern.

"We've been sold a lemon," they said.

"And we're fucked now. We can't go crawling back to the French. They probably won't even have us back. We all know what happens when you scorn a Frenchman, they carry on about it. Imagine being married to a French woman, you'd have the cortisol levels of a 60-year-old Heathrow air traffic controller,"

"What do we do now? We're fucked. This is the Art of the Deal that big fucken sucked mango seed looking cunt in the White House is talking about. Get people to pay top dollar for an inferior product they can't deny because they're desperate. He should be a Sydney property developer with that attitude."

The Advocate reached out to the French Consultate on Rue de Putain in Betoota' French Quarter for comment but were met with the typical scoffs and uncouth behaviour that French people often exude when they think they're right.

More to come.