ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights man has celebrated the return of MasterChef to primetime television this week by jamming a peg into the door lock mechanism of his microwave oven, setting it to auto defrost, then placing his head inside it.

Damien Rutland, who spoke to The Advocate this morning through singed lips, scorched gums and burned tongue, that he lamented the end of the summer of sport and thought he’d expedite the damaged reality TV does to your brain by simply getting it done in one night with a microwave.

“Fancy having a show on TV like MasterChef or The Block right now?” he hissed with great pain.

“Palestinians are being murdered. Oh, so are Ukrainians if you weren’t abreast of that conflict as well. We are decadent western pigs. All of us. The world is burning and all we care about is which washed-up recipe plagiarism is going to burn the duck or what man-boobed yuppie cunt is going to do with his ensuite bathroom,”

“Now the cricket is over and all we have left is the Giant Sports Betting Advertisement Formally Known as God’s Winter Game of Rugby League. Oh, we also have reality TV. Great. People say, sorry, my brain is absolutely fucking killing me today, that we can just get Netflix or Stanley or whatever. Guess what? I can’t afford it and I just put my fucking head in a microwave. What makes you think I’m up for watching more television,”

“Christ, I think my sinuses are burnt. You know, I watched a whole season of The Voice last year and I actually forgot how to read and write. Which was nothing compared to that season of Survivor I watched a few years ago. My brain degraded to the point where I was only able to communicate by smearing my own shit on the walls and drawing crude hieroglyphics with my big toes,”

“It’s got me fucked how they can put this stuff on television these days. There’s no nuance.”

Mr Rutland excused himself from the interview to go and lie down.

“You can let yourself out, mate. I need to rest.”

Our reporter asked him if he’d like the door locked, to which Damien said he didn’t care.

More to come.


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