ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

According to local bats, their mate Brett was just an ordinary bat going about his business as a bat.

Technically, they never knew him. Not many bats alive today knew him personally. But Brett has become the pin-up boy for the coronavirus, which made the jump from the flying mammals to humans, allegedly.

To bats around the world, Brett is a symbol of hope that things will change not only for bats in showbusiness – but all batkind.

In 1982, Brett was murdered by British musician, Ozzy Osbourne, who grabbed him up off the stage floor and bit his head off during a concert.

Brett died shortly after his head was spat out on the ground and his limp body thrown into the screaming crowd, where they torn and stamped on what was left of him.

Since that senseless killing, some bats swore revenge on Ozzy. Various bat paramilitary groups placed bounties upon his head. The most notable being the Pangolin’s Republican Army, who almost killed Ozzy during a show in Singapore in 1998.

Speaking to The Advocate this morning, a bat named Colin said they he and bats around the world will not rest until their spicy little cough cough claims the life of the ‘coward’ who killed Brett.

“That motherfucker Ozzy Osbourne is going to get what’s coming to him,” said Colin.

“Every since Matilda coughed on that bloke in Wuhan back in last July, we’ve been waiting and waiting for it to finally reach that mumbling Brummie fuck,”

“And we won’t rest until it does. We’re going to get him. We’re going to get that fucking Osbourne even if it takes every bat in the world. We’re going to get him.”

The Advocate reached out to the Osbournes’ management for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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