Supermarket Security Guard Confirms He Doesn't Get Paid Enough To Secure Anything

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A casually-employed security guard at the Betoota Heights Flemings has today clarified the exact terms of his engagement with the supermarket giant, confirming that his $24.10 an hour does not, under any circumstances, extend to physically intervening when a bloke walks out the automatic doors with a shopping trolley full of groceries.

Wayne Dribbins, who stands near the entrance for eight hours a day in a hi-vis vest two sizes too small, says he is more than happy to nod at customers, watch the self-serve checkouts with a furrowed brow and occasionally say 'have a good one' but that's where the social contract ends.

"Mate, I'm not chasing anyone," the 41-year-old told The Advocate, while leaning against a stack of discounted and recently defrosted hot cross buns.

"For what they pay me? I'll make eye contact. That's the deterrent. That's the whole package. I'm got getting my chin punched off for a multi-billion-dollar company. I wouldn't even want to touch half the freaks that come in here. Imagine getting stabbed over a few sausages. No thanks!"

It's understood the incident that prompted today's clarification involved a local man calmly loading an entire trolley of premium cheese and Pepsi Max into the boot of a Commodore in the carpark, while Dribbins watched on, arms folded, deep in thought about his super contributions and State of Origin.

"He looked me dead in the eye. I gave him a little nod. He nodded back. We're not enemies, we're like two Switzerlands acknowledging each other while the rest of Europe goes crazy."

Flemmings corporate has reportedly responded to the rising theft figures by installing a second sign that says 'Smile, You're On Camera' and reducing Dribbens' shift by half an hour to manage costs.

"They want me to shop shoplifters," Dribbens added.

"This isn't the Bourne Indentity, it's Betoota Heights, mate."

More to come.