Sporting World Shocked To It's Core As New Breaks That This Silly Bugger Might've Had A Bump In Majorca

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

The entire planet's sports media ecosystem is at a standstill today.

The unthinkable has happened.

A man from suburban Canberra with millions of dollars in disposable income and not much going on elsewhere in his life other than completing his entire back piece tattoo that features all of his favourite pokemons, has tested positive for cocaine.

Nick Kyrgios has been suspended after testing positive for Queanbeyan Marching Powder, according to the Australian tennis star's own Instagram post on Wednesday, where he admitted to making a “a huge mistake" before the tabloids found out.

The cocaine is alleged to have entered the 31-year-olds system while he was poking around the cocaine capital of the entire world.

It is beleived this all went down at the ATP 250 event in Mallorca in June, with the presence of cocaine in his system confirmed by tests at a World Anti-Doping Agency (Wada) laboratory last month.

Kyrgios has the right of appeal, but looks like he'll just be copping the provisional suspension, which are are mandatory for positive tests for cocaine under ITIA regulations, given the fact that he's gone and admitted to having a bump on his instagram.

As a player is known to hit the town to sink piss on the eve of high stakes grand slam matches, nobody ever thought that King Kyrgios could've possibly been dabbling in the Devil's Dandruff as well.

And even though Majorca is basically just the linen shirt version of Ibiza, nobody thought that 31-year-old Australian man would be getting up to such no good off-court activities.

And according to the die-hard Kyrgios fans, this news still hasn't sunk in.

"I'm truly dumbfounded. Surely not Nick!" said Blake Birley Griffin (40, Canberra)

"I refused to believe it at first. Where would someone like him even know where to get that stuff in Spain's Balearic Islands?" said another fan Beverly (65, Leeton).

"I thought, he's definitely too busy recovering from these random injuries to be bothering with that kind of rubbish" said Ken (60, Ipswich).

Kyrgios has vowed to take a month away from public life 'to do the work and come back better'.