Scientist Who Invented Baby Wipes That Come Out One-At-A-Time Dies Mysteriously

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Queensland Police have their work cut out for them this week after a prominent Betootacone Valley scientist was found dead.

Dr John Wise, the chief technology officer at hygiene startup One Fucking Wipe At A Time, was discovered by joggers shortly after 9am this morning outside his laboratory on Russ Hinze Drive and police are treating the death as suspicious.
It's understood by The Advocate that Dr Wise suffocated on baby wipes and showed signs of struggle, leading detectives to conclude that someone was not right about this death.

One Fucking Wipe At A Time, or OFWAT as it's known in the industry, had just secured seed funding and was about to release their first product, which were baby wipes that come out one at a fucking time and didn't come out like fucking flag bunting.

The product was set to revolutionise the baby wipe industry, steering away from the commonly accepted, unsolvable problem of half the fucken wipes coming out when you just want one of the cunnavafuckenthings. That sent shockwaves through OFWAT's competitors, who relied on their customers wasting wipes and getting angry at the fucken thing and yanking too hard in frustration, splitting the pack of wipes.

This meant consumers often went through wipes at a rate of knots, increasing their turnover and profitability. Some in the industry viewed Dr Wise as not only a threat to their bottom line, but to their very existence.

Police have refused to comment on the case, however, OFWAT's CEO Dane Cutler spoke to media this morning outside the company's HQ.

"This only galvanises our resolve," he said.

"We will press on and anyone who stands in the way of baby wipe optimisation is going to get run over, then I'll reverse back over you, then drive back over you again. I'll repeat that until you're human chutney and the cops have to shoot me,"

"Mark my words."

More to come.