Report: Can We Just Torpedo This Rat Virus Boat Please

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

There is a boat full of a rare rat virus somewhere in the South Atlantic and the world is on edge.

A few people have already got this thing about the MV Hondius and it's killed them so the only natural, common sense thing left to do is torpedo the fucken thing or put a JDAM through the deck, who gives a shit, just get it away from us.

The last boat to be torpedoed around there was the Argentine cruiser ARA General Belgrano during the Falklands War and this boat ostensibly poses a greater risk to humanity, and indeed the British, than that WWII-era steel tub full of terrified conscripts.

So with the memories of the last six years, which have all been bad, the world is now asking whoever is able to do it, to make sure these God-less vessel is sent to the bottom of the sea, along with it's precious cargo of deadly virus.

Speaking to The Advocate today, an old fashioned day-drinking alcoholic out the front of the West Betotoa Tavern explained that while COVID was actually not too bad for him because he got more unemployment benefits and less checks and balances, he said he'd rather things stay like they are or perhaps even get a bit better God forbid.

"Nah those bloody Yanks are already warmed up, their sights are in, they sunk that fucken Iranian frigate the other day. They're warmed up, tempo sounds good, John," he said, making some obscure reference that our reporter did not understand.

"We're not fucken around with this thing. This rat virus. I was right with that pangolin one, or whatever the fuck it was, but this rat virus shit. Rats are tough as nails and if this fucken things killing rats then it'll fucken do me in,"

"I'm no expert [pauses to sip on the pot of red wine in front of him] but we don't need any more of that shit in our lives. Lucky we don't have that Brad Hazzard giving it the green light to dock in Sydney and spread this thing far and wide."

More to come.