Old Man Impressed By The Torque But You'd Be Fucked If He'd Ever Buy An Electric Mower

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Grove retiree has once again found himself caught between genuine admiration for modern technology and a deep, primal refusal to ever adopt it.

Keith Dunham, a 68-year-old petrol enjoyer, made the admission after his neighbour Craig popped over to show off his new electric mower, which Keith conceded was "pretty bloody impressive" before spending forty minutes explaining why he'd never buy one.

The retired surveyor, who has been running the same 4-stroke since 2003, told The Advocate he was open-minded about the whole thing.

"Look, I had a go of Craig's leftie mower over his place, she's got some torque on her. Pulls like a lonely sailor," he said.

"Quiet too. Almost unsettlingly quiet. Sounds like you'd knocked over a beehive, it does but."

"But what happens when the battery dies halfway through? You're just standing there like a dickhead. Nope, not for me."

When our reporter pointed out that most modern batteries last well over an hour, and the mower he was using as actually connected to mains via a 40m extension cord, Keith said that sounded like something a bloke who doesn't have much lawn would say.

"Craig's got maybe 200 squares? Course it lasts. Come do my quarter acre and tell me how your little USB mower goes. When he's done mowing it, he has a soft drink. Fuck me. He's not a bad bloke but he's a strange fish. What's wrong with a stubbie?"

Keith's wife Denise said she'd been hoping he'd switch for years, mostly because his Honda sounds like a bad day in Bosnia and she can't hear her shows.

"I've sent him fifteen YouTube videos comparing them side by side. He watches them and sneers, using homophobic language freely like he's back in the Army."

Keith confirmed this was accurate but maintained it was principle.

"Nah, it's not for me that stuff. Young man's game that beep beep rubbish."

More to come.