Morally Superior Conservative Plays Dumb When Someone Brings Up The Five Years He Spent Abusing Red Mitsubishis

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People need to take responsibility for themselves, and their kids.

That's according to a local mortgage broker with three kids who don't throw food.

Adrian Downer (44) has never been very political - but as a fiscal conservative he has been radicalised by 'government spending' in recent years.

And as he approaches middle age, he has less and less inhibitions preventing him from saying what he really thinks.

Right now, what he really thinks is that the majority of our tax dollars are being wasted on cleaning up after the moral failures and laziness that comes with learnt helplessness.

As a man that thinks all 'junkies' should submit clean urine tests before they are applicable for welfare payments, one would think that Adrian and his family are lifelong teetotallers.

But that's just not the case.

Adrian admits to his guilty penchant for a couple bottles of grange on a Friday night - and likewise, his wife has a medical certificate for completely legal THC gummies that help with her anxiety.

Other than that, it's just sparkling water and red meat.

But is that all?

Former acquaintances of Adrian, or 'Adzy' as he used to be known, would argue that he has paid for multiple sports cars for underworld figures through half a decade of degeneracy in the mid 2000s.

"That man's jaw used to swing like a pendulum, three nights a week" says former pinger-head turned social worker, Damo.

"He was on the dole for a lot of it too haha"

Another former club-rat, Doozy (43, ICU nurse) says he can't believe that Adzy is suddenly pretending that he's above amphetamines.

"Never thought I'd see the day that Adzy goes full Tony Abbott. That commerce degree took him like ten years"

"Maybe he's cooked his brain on the red mitsys and the Scrillex...."

"...or maybe he was given a few ultimatums when they started carving up his grandfather's will - but this man was a trailblazer when it came to the bender"

However, when confronted with this exciting chapter in his young adult years, Adrian plays a straight bat.

"Haha I don't know about that" he says.

"Yeah I went to a few music festivals but that techno shit never did it for me"

"I'm more of a Van Morrison guy"

"I dunno if he cooked his brain on the red mitsus and Scrillex, but I never thought I'd see the day when Adzy was calling for drug users to