Local Woman Realises Actual Socialising Will Never Beat The Tipsy Stroll Home At 8pm on a Friday

VICKI DERWENT | Lifestyle | CONTACT

Local Betoota woman, Mary Swanborn, had an epiphany last Friday night that one's drunk walk home will nearly always be better than the function one is drinking at. 

After Mary’s Friday post-work drinks she decided against catching an uber and committed to the 50 minute walk home instead. 

“I was 3 wines down, there was no distance I couldn’t walk in that state,” Mary told the Advocate. 

“I would probably agree to walking the Nullabor if it meant I could be politely tipsy with my AirPods and decent walking shoes.” 

At the beginning of the drunken walk, Mary punched in “moody” into her Spotify search bar and let the feels take her into a glorious stroll. 

“I always start with sad songs, maybe a bit of Kacey Musgraves, Olivia Rodrigo in her Sour era, sometimes if it’s really bad I’ll just put on Landslide and try relate it to something I’m going through,” Mary explained. 

But for Mary, the sad songs only lasted so long before she needed a higher BPM to quicken her pace to try push away the unfair fears of being a woman walking alone at night. 

“Once I’ve got my strut music on, it’s like I remember I’m drunk and the self confidence kicks in.” 

Mary couldn’t help but think everyone she passed on her walk home was attracted to her or at least intimidated by her shocking beauty. 

“I felt so hot I started smiling at strangers that walked past me, as if I were the Queen and they were lucky to be in my presence.” 

“I was genuinely having the time of my life.” 

Mary was last seen flirting with the workers behind the counter at her local Yeeros shop with Tzatziki around her mouth.