LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

Married couple Jane and Daniel Kenny have been informed by real estate agent John ‘Sharkey’ Scarponi that there is no good reason why a linen cupboard can’t double as a third bedroom for their five-year-old son.

Having recently benefited from the services of an online mortgage broker, uno Home Loans, to repay their mortgage over the next decade or four, the Kennys have yet to be impressed by homes within their price range and are sceptical that a man who wants their son to live in a cupboard full of exposed nails has their best interests at heart.

“Haha you guys are lucky I’m not charging you for three bedrooms!” joked Scarponi as he showed the couple through the 1.3 million dollar house in a suburb neither of them are keen on.

Realising he was losing their interest, Scarponi tried to convince five-year-old Lucas Kenny that living in a space that would stunt his growth would actually be kind of cool.

“You ever read Harry Potter buddy?! He lived in a thing sort of like this, you could be just like him!”

Jane Kenny states that, even though she would never raise her son in a linen cupboard, it is a better alternative than some suggestions from other real estate agents.

“This one bald prick suggested that we share a double bunk bed with both of our children and to set them up with some pillows in the bathtub when we wanted to do yoga stated Kenny as she tried fruitlessly to wash the indescribable feeling of uncleanliness Scarponi’s handshake had left on her palm.

“Another tried to convince us that sleeping on a couch is better for your back to ease us into the idea the house had no bedrooms.”

Scarponi says he understands that people might have reservations about unconventional living arrangements but thinks more people should be open to the idea.

“Sleeping in the kitchen pantry isn’t so bad when you realise you’ve got 24-hour snack access! Or, set up a kids’ bedroom in the laundry, then it won’t matter if they leave their dirty clothes out! But alright, demand to have your own bedroom Mr La-dee-da.”


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