Betoota Down’s service station owner, Bruce Muffet, has tonight been hailed a hero, after preemptively stocking up his bain-marie with fresh crispy chicken strips, wings and God’s golden gift, potato gems.
As the drunk revelers stumbled through his sliding doors, calls of ‘you fucking beauty’ and ‘Bruce, you’ve done it again!’ Could be heard slurring out their mouths.
Humble in his fame, Bruce explained to the Advocate that it’s just good business.
“Nah, I’m no genius. You tell me what you’d do; you’ve got hundreds of pissed and hungry people leaving the pub at the same time with nowhere to get food”
“They’ll eat fucking anything”
“Especially if that anything is deep-fried”
“So I mix it up. Bit of Asian, bit of Italy. The cheese balls are basically arancinis – and the Chiko Roll is just a rural dim sim”
“We’ve even got something for the vegans with the gems”
“Actually maybe that’s not vegan. I think the pigs fat rules that out”
“Anyway… I’m no hero, mate. Just a simple servo operator”
However one particularly insistent partygoer wouldn’t have any of Bruce’s humbleness, even going as far as to tell us that he loves him during a streetside interview outside one of the pubs.
“Oh fuck, Brucey [haha] I fucking love gems. And I fucking love you. Maybe more than KFC.”
“Nah, nah, nah, don’t tell them I said that. I do love you, but.”
The Advocate understands that by simply stocking up the bain-marie, Bruce is able to make up for the fall in profits during Betoota’s offseason. According to our reports, Bruce rakes in an astounding $15,000 each weekend, from bain-marie sales alone.
Bruce has suggested that south Betoota’s Red Rooster could learn a thing or two from him, and they should maybe try out this thing called multiculturalism.
“It’s 2021, sweetie” he says.
“The people want more than chicken salt”
MORE TO COME