The powerbrokers of the ALP front bench have today called for Australia to pull out of the International Olympic Committee after doing the maths on how much we actually contribute to the games.

“What’s the point” said Opposition leader Anthony Albanese today.

“China and India have at least one or two in each event. We don’t make any difference”

Joined by Christopher ‘Don’t Vote For Us’ Bowen and ALP right faction Leader Joel ‘I Lost 20% Of My Voters To One Nation’ Fitzgibbon – Albanese has today called for an immediate cuts to AIS funding for Olympians.

“I know Australia is probably over-represented considering we only make up 0.3% of the world’s population and still sent 410 athletes to Rio” said Albanese.

“But seriously. Nothing would change if we didn’t send anyone. Jamaica would still be breaking all the track records and Michael Phelps has basically overshadowed our performances in the golden age of swimming”

In a rare showing of unity, Fitzgibbon has agreed with Albanese.

“Triple Jump? Backstroke? If we aren’t winning those events, should we really even bother”

“Why spend the time training people for different disciplines if China and India are so far ahead of us?”

While this lost-Labor rhetoric ignores the fact that Australia still rates as the world’s greatest gold medal producers on a per capita basis – it does create a narrative where doing nothing is better than doing something – a political strategy straight from the ALP playbook

Chris Bowen says if we want to send athletes to Tokyo next year, then the only way to pay for it is to terrify pensioners with a very complicated tax reform.

“If you don’t like it, don’t vote for us in 2022”


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