“Everyone Knew” Uzzie Says Regarding Who Smashed Smudge’s Nintendo Switch During 2018 Cape Town Test

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Former Test opener Usman Khawaja has sensationally revealed this week that the entire team knew who smashed then-captain Steve Smith's beloved Nintendo Switch during the 2018 Cape Town Test.

The destruction of the Nintendo Switch led to an unravelling in the team, which ultimately cost the jobs of coach Darren Lehmann, Smudge himself for some reason, fellow opener David Warner and the player who was largely blamed for the smashing, Cameron Bancroft.

'Switchgate', as it was known at the time, led to a total Block-style renovation of the Australian men's cricket team that went on to both world domination and disappointing failure.

During the scandal, the team closed ranks. Nobody wanted to talk about who might've got a bit emotional after getting out cheaply and, seeing Smudge's Nintendo Switch sitting on top of his kit bag, decided to double-handedly chop it over their head.

Early reports suggest Smudge was in the showers during the smashing, where he was said to have been practising his Jamaican accent for an upcoming tour of the Caribbean. Shaun and Mitch Marsh were allegedly in the showers, providing feedback on the accent. Josh Hazlewood was also in the room, but he was pooing and made certain remarks to the effect of 'will you fucking bird-brained cunts please shut up, I'm trying to poo and they've been feeding us nothing but bread and sausages so it's not very easy to do', which left fingers pointed towards Bancroft, Warner, Cummins or Lyon. And Khawaja himself, as detailed in his upcoming autobiography Sabr.

With approval from Khawaja's publisher and the Sydneysider himself, The Advocate can publish this extract that details the scene in the dressing room when the Nintendo met its maker.

"Davey [Warner] was in his underpants, enjoying a rainbow Paddle Pop while watching cartoons, or 'cardoons' as he calls them, on his iPad. I remember him laughing. I think he was watching SpongeBob. He hasn't changed much the whole time I've known him. Cumdog and Garry were batting. It sticks in my memory because Josh was doing a nervous poo. With his pads on. We've all been there. Unless you've never played cricket. Then you might not have had to do that. Magilla (Stuart MacGill) was the worst for it. He hated batting."

"I was dismissed cheaply, so yeah, I was fuming. But I think a certain someone who was close to a, let's just say, a century might've had more reason to be upset. It wasn't the perfect crime that the media made it out to be. We all heard the primal scream. We all heard that sickly thump, like someone hitting a side of beef with a sledgehammer covered in snail shells. A crunchy thump. We've all been there. Unless you don't care about batting. We've all smashed a kit bag, or kicked a toilet to pieces, or snatched a camera from some punk kid and smashed it on the ground just because they're invading your privacy when you're trying to enjoy a Dunhill after a hard-fought 27* against a bunch of Auckland geography teachers."

"So everyone knew about it. Everyone knew who did it."

Khawaja’s autobiography, Sabr: Finding My Way in Cricket and Life, is set for release tomorrow, November 10. The memoir offers a candid account of his journey through Australian cricket, exploring identity, racism, resilience and the patience behind his remarkable career resurgence.