David Warner Says He Didn't Call An Uber Home Because No Drivers Ever Respect His Conversation Preference

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Former Test opener David Warner has told The Advocate this week that he didn't call an Uber home the night he blew the bag in Sydney's eastern suburbs because the drivers never respect his request to keep quiet.

After pounding three glasses of wine at some Christmas doo up the street, Warner and a female passenger thought fuck it, we'll roll the dice and drive home. They come up along Maroubra Beach, and lo and behold, there's a booze bus. He pulls over up the street, in an inconspicuous ice-white Mercedes G-Wagon, and he and the female passenger swap spots. Probably because at the time, David was playing cricket in Pakistan where drink driving is, uh, heavily frowned upon. So his female passenger was going to take the heat. Say what you want, loyalty like that is hard to find in this life.

So he's had the book thrown at him. Off the road for months, a conviction recorded and he has to blow the drunkard's clairnet each time he wants to go for a drive. In the ice-white G-Wagon. Plus he's had every swamp creature in Sydney media pass judgement on him like they've never made the greedy decision to fill themselves to the gills with B-tier Penfolds then drive home fingers crossed.

Speaking to our reporter this morning via wireless telephone, Warner said "no cunt knows" what it's like for him to sit in the back of an Uber or taxi after 15 standard drinks.

"Oh man, the drivers just flat out disrespect my no conversation wishes. We lock eyes in the rear vision mirror and it's just on. They turn around and they're like 'Oh wow Mr Warner, such an honour!' and that's about it but fuck me dead, respect my wishes. I don't want to have to chat to some cunt for 10 minutes about cricket. Cunt, I'm full of wine and cheese and vape, just take me home," he said.

"Sure, I'd probably rather walk but fuck, being that pissed and just hammering Malabar Road all the way home, I'd get shouted at along the way, you know, have fuckwits shout, 'Hey Warner, ya wanka!' from a moving car, yeah good on you champion."

Warner conceded to our reporter that it was a foolish, selfish decision to get behind the wheel when he was up it. He regrets doing so. However, he wants people to understand where he's coming from.

"You know, it's not like Travis Head getting a cab home from the Red Lion. They'd probably leave him alone or because he's such a friendly cunt, he'd probably just cop the 10 minutes of small talk about fucken whatever and make some cunt's day. Mate, I've made too many fucken days, I'm retired from making days. Just take me home."

More to come.