Cousin's New Boyfriend Celebrates A Bit Too Much After Yorking Granny

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Christmas Day luncheon in Betoota Heights has been officially written off after a cousin’s new boyfriend turned a backyard hit-around into an irredeemable social crime by yorking a grandmother and celebrating like he’d just removed Ricky Ponting.

Family sources say the incident unfolded shortly after lunch, with plates still on laps and prawns still being peeled, when the 25-year-old man decided it was his moment to impress. Taking what began as a polite stroll and escalated into a full ten-step approach, the bowler reportedly channelled Shoaib Akhtar, visualising a hyperextended elbow and the perfect amount of wrist snap required to send down a yorker from hell.

The taped tennis ball smashed directly into Granny’s sandalled foot, jagged back up off the toe and smashed into middle and leg. Granny fell forward in a concerning heap.

What followed is being described by witnesses as "the worst possible reaction".

Instead of checking on the elderly woman, the man reportedly fired up an invisible chainsaw, screamed “YESSSS” and took two aggressive steps down the pitch, chest out, eyes wild, before realising nobody else was celebrating.

"There was a pause," said one aunt.

"Just long enough for everyone to decide they hated him."

Granny was assisted to a chair, given an ice pack, a sherry, and a permanent square-leg role for the afternoon. The boyfriend was quietly downgraded from "new partner" to "summer fling".

By dessert, experts confirmed the man had become irredeemable, with several relatives privately hoping the relationship would not make it to Easter.

More to come.