China State Media Claim Telstra Outage Cause By Barnaby Joyce Spilling Red Wine On Telecom Box

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The unsinkable Barnaby Joyce has had sensational claims levelled against him by our biggest existential threat this week after the Member for New England suggested the Telstra outage this morning could've been caused by the Chinese Government.

Across state media this morning in China, Joyce was said to have caused the outage by spilling a bottle of Penfold's Koonunga Hill on a Canberra telecom box around 4am this morning, plunging much of the country into the dark ages.

Australians across the nation were forced to retreat to fast food restaurants, service stations and other purveyors of free wifi due to Telstra shitting the bed Optus style this morning. The drop out caused chaos for commuters and other people left unprepared for the so-called mild inconvenience. Emergency services remain uncontactable in parts of South and Western Australia, which was beyond the pale for Joyce.

The One Nation MP spoke to reporters outside his office this morning in Canberra, where he was "nursing a cold".

"Typical of China to concoct this absolutely farfetched story," he said.

"I have an alibi for my whereabouts at 4am when the outage started, anyway. I was at the casino with my colleague Malcolm Roberts. We were playing Texas Hold 'Ems. He was very hot, a little too hot for the casino's liking if I might say so myself,"

"We would be on their CCTV. Nice try China, but the camera does not lie. It would show us being escorted out the door at about 3:48am, just before the casino itself closes for the evening. They were even kind enough to put me in a wheelchair and take me to the taxi rank. The casino staff are very kind, they tried to locate Malcolm's shoes, which he had misplaced during the physical discussion we had about leaving. He was forced to walk back to his serviced apartment in Lyneham with no shoes, in Canberra, in July, at his age. That is One Nation for you. Tough as nails. So that is where I was, so you can disregard the reports on Chinese state media as cheap propaganda."

The Advocate reached out to the Chinese Consulate in Betoota Grove for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

Mr Joyce's office said they would not be commenting further on the matter.

More to come.