Brisbane Experiences Major Drop In Productivity After Locals Out-Caxton The Tourists

SANDY FRASER | Youth | CONTACT

Brisbane City is currently on the brink of a total workforce shutdown following a record number of post Magic Round sickies. 

Sources say businesses around the city have been left scrambling to manage the disruptions, largely to no avail. 

To discuss the imminent cessation, The Advocate caught up with Graham Dwyer, the owner of a small independent cafe in Paddington. 

“No staff and quadruple the amount of coffees we usually serve, so yep, I’d say it’s really fucked us over,” he said. 

“I don't even have enough eggs for the amount of big breakfasts that’ve been ordered,”

“And then one of the boys that was rostered on this morning comes in and tries to use his staff discount on our $12 bacon and egg roll with a small coffee deal. Then just groans unintelligibly when I try and confront him,”

“I was on Caxton Street last night too, obviously. But fuck the young guns just can’t hack it like we can, clearly.”

Jordan Scott, Graham’s only barista that showed up this morning, argues it’s much worse for the workers than it is for the business-owners. 

“It’s like, they say ‘ohh the robots are going to take your job’ and ‘AI is going to take over’. Well, I hope it happens soon. Then I won’t have to come into work when I’m in this state,” he said. 

He soon after excused himself to the bathroom he’d already visited about 10 times in the last two and a half hours. 

Coles, Woolworths, and all other chains in the city will reportedly continue to operate on reduced business hours after being unable to cover any sick-calls. 

More to come.