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ALP Leader Bill Shorten recorded a resounding victory over Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s government, winning four of five Federal by-elections around the country, to return the seats that he had already won last election but actually lost because his own colleagues couldn’t remember where the fuck their parents were born.

Hundreds of thousands of Australians went to the polls to have their say in electorates across four states in ‘Super Saturday’ votes that had the potential to re-shape the Federal Parliament, but didn’t because everyone pretty much voted the same as they had last time.

Iit appears this lengthy media storm and subsequent return to the status quo has instilled a new wave of confidence in Shorten and the rest of the Labor Party, following a press conference he held immediately after the results came in.

Political analysts say it is nearly impossible to tell, at this stage, whether Shorten’s election promise to tie up high-ranking employees within the financial and banking sector, and shooting them in the brain, will prove worth it.

“Hmmm” said ABC Insider’s host, Barrie Cassidy.

“Threatening a purge on the banking execs might be bit far me thinks”

“You can’t just kill people in the street”

However, it seems there is no quelling the bold confidence of Shorten, who has said he’d even go as far as cutting heads off in public squares.

“The people want blood.” he said.

“And who am I to deny the most vocal minorities promises of potentially problematic knee-jerk solutions that result in people dying”

“Like in the detention camps [haha]”


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