Bloke Buys Frypan Because He Saw This Fucking Guy's Head On It

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man in the market for a new frying pan was ultimately convinced to buy a new forever-chemical-coated Tefal number because it had Jamie Oliver's stupid fucken mug on it.

In the back blocks of Betoota Heights Woolworths, up behind the barbecue shit next to the frozen "Asian" appetisers and motor oil, Mike Frisbee was perusing the frypan pan selections and they were, by his own admissions, pretty grim.

"Oh, I've just had some cunt [notices we are in earshot of a number of women shopping] Sorry, I've had my flatmate move out while I was at work and he's fucken taken the lot from the kitchen, so I need a pan and unfortuanatly, I have to pay supermarket prices because I need the cunt, sorry, because I need it now," he said.

Frisbee spoke briefly to The Advocate yesterday evening about 9pm, outside McWhirter's Pub, which is that bar oddly located inside the Stockland shopping centre in Betoota Heights.

He stood next to a wine barrel-cum-table, pint in one hand, Marlboro in the other while his new frying pan waited patiently next to the ashtray.

"There was the cheap one, or this one. I'd read about the cheap ones giving you the Spanish Dancer of the gut, so I went with this one."

After finishing his pint and showing our reporter that he could curl his tongue and put a smoke in the end of it, he elaborated on why he made the choice.

"I saw that fucking Jamie Oliver's mug on this one and thought, well, hopefully this cunt, sorry, hopefully this lisping fuck makes a better pan than a 15 minute recipe because the cunt's, fuck sorry ladies, because he's fucken lied to us time and time again about that. Fuck 15 minutes my dog's cock they are," he added.

"But nah, I thought Jamie wouldn't let them malignant barnacles cling to my colon. This pan would be straight up and down. You could saute TV remote on this cunt [apologises] and it wouldn't stick. It's slippery as a Balianese lease agreement."

When asked if Jamie Oliver's endorsement of the pan lead to his purchase, Frisbee asked if our reporter was deaf.

"Cunt [apologises again] haven't I just been singing the cunt's [apologises] praises for the past 40 minutes? And you're not the one that's had 5 meaningless pints."

More to come.