EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
The Shepard avocado gets a lot of hate, but it can actually be a very useful fruit if you don’t plan on trying to eat it.
The Advocate looks at five different ways you can get the most of your Sheperd avocados while you wait for Hass season.
Use It As A Door Stop
Sick of your bedroom door always slamming shut and making all that goddamn noise? A Shepard avocado can put a stop to that. If you’re in need of a door stop that can take the brunt of a bad day at the office, a Shepard avocado should be able to give you a couple of weeks before your Temu door stop arrives in the mail.
Kill A Home Intruder
Shepard avocados make an excellent weapon against home intruders due to their deceptive firmness and aerodynamic shape. Unlike Hass avocados, Shepards stay rock-hard for weeks, making them ideal for hurling at someone at a high velocity. You can even bludgeon someone to death with one and it still won’t be soft enough to make guacamole.
Hammer In A Nail
Have you stumbled upon a loose nail but don’t have a hammer because you’re a useless leftie? A Shepard avocado will do the job. Thanks to their rock-hard texture and refusal to ripen before the end of time, a Shepard avocado can exert quite a bit force. Whether you’re trying to drive a nail into the wall or trying crack open a stubborn nut, the indestructible green brick gets the job done.
For Pure, Mindless Vandalism
Shepard avocados are the perfect weapon for vandalism because no one is ever going to question you for having an avocado in your pocket. For just $2.50, you could smash a Tesla windscreen and help drive down those stock prices. And if you’re worrying about being caught with the weapon, you can just eat it afterwards, skin and all.
Make Smashed Avo For Someone You Hate
Did you know that between February and April, millennials save the most amount of money towards a home loan because they’re no longer buying smashed avo on toast? This is because no reasonable human being is splashing out $22 to eat chunks of rubber on toast. So if you really hate someone, and would find it funny to see them crack a tooth, just make them some smashed avo on some stale sourdough bread. They’ll get the hint in no time.
