Sydney to begin trial program executing slow walkers in CBD

One minute you could be thinking about what you'll have for dinner, the next, you'll be flopping around on the footpath like a carp on a riverbank with a hole in your head.

Sydney to begin trial program executing slow walkers in CBD

21 September, 2016. 15:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

FROM NEXT YEAR, meandering through the streets of downtown Sydney at your own leisurely pace could land you in the grave.

In a trial program supervised by the NSW Productivity Commission, Premier Mike Baird announced this morning at the opening of the Wynyard pedestrian tunnel, that people who ‘annoy’ others by walking slowly down a footpath run the risk of having their head turned inside out by a sniper’s bullet.

The lifeless corpse will be left in the street to warn others of the fate that befalls them should they become spatially unaware of others. Family members are encouraged to retrieve the body once the smell becomes too pungent for the surrounding businesses to put up with.

“It’s a government initiative that we feel all Sydneysiders can get behind,” said a spokesman.

“We’ll be using a plastic-tip .300 Winchester Magnum round, it’s very humane. However, should we need to take a second shot, for example if we skim a man’s throat and he’s writhing around on the footpath in a pool of his own blood, there is a capacity to do that,”

“These measures will save the NSW economy $4bn over the next decade, should this program go ahead.” he explained.

According to a government-funded study, slow walkers cost the local economy billions of dollars a year in lost productivity – something that needs to be rectified.

More to come.

14 Responses to "Sydney to begin trial program executing slow walkers in CBD"

    • Chris   December 24, 2016 at 2:32 pm

      well if more people got behind a government that supported bike lanes, the people who can’t afford to buy cars / want to do good for the environment / are not old enough to have a licence, would not feel the need to ride in the middle of the lane “to keep themselves alive”.

      Reply
  1. RemorsefulDuck   September 21, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    Fair enough

    Reply
  2. Shazam   September 21, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    I could tell by his looks that Mike Baird was related to Rodrigo Deturte…

    Reply
  3. Mike Litoris   September 21, 2016 at 11:03 pm

    Oh finally!!!! I mean, it takes long enough to get my morning coffee but these mongrels force me to have to catch the 7.35 instead of the 7.45 from Holsworthy.

    Reply
  4. Stephen Farrar   September 22, 2016 at 4:30 am

    A modest enough proposal

    Reply
  5. Andrew   September 22, 2016 at 9:47 am

    I look forward to this program being extended to cull pedistrians who walk on flashing red, and drivers who queue across intersections

    Reply
  6. jeff   September 22, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Include the munters that stand still on the escolater blocking the path for those that know how stairs work and have better things to be doing…

    Reply
  7. Alan   September 23, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Can this initiative also include those who walk 3 abreast, with no thought of how people walking in the opposite direction can get past them!

    Reply
  8. JJ   September 23, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    Please extend to slow drivers who use the fast lane to go below speed limit!

    Reply
  9. bebaffled   September 23, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    Is it not my right to stop walking in the middle of my walking to look at something? I had an angry man on his mobility wheels in the shopping centre and he screamed a blasphemy, like I am supposed to look behind me before I slow to pull up and look at something. Just maybe he should not be scooting so high on my heels, silly man

    Reply
    • WP   December 25, 2016 at 3:52 am

      Look behind you before you stop you ignorant asshole.

      Reply
  10. Peter   December 24, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    In Melbourne a similar trial is going to take place. That is mothers driving their kid to school in the back of a Prado when that kid is quite capable of walking to school.

    Reply
  11. paul   December 25, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    Please include cretins who walk along the street texting and expect me to get out of their way…….

    Reply

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