Nine’s Cricket Commentary Team Forced At Gunpoint To Flog Memorabilia

Nine’s Cricket Commentary Team Forced At Gunpoint To Flog Memorabilia

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

An anonymous crew member from Nine’s Wide World Of Sports commentary team say the team is often forced at gunpoint to plug ‘shitty, official memorabilia’ during broadcasts.

The same insider has also suggested that Ian Healy refused to do so in 2011 and was promptly shot dead in the commentary box then replaced by a hologram in future broadcasts.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate via end-to-end encrypted messenger service, Wickr, the informant told our reporters that having to flog merchandise like they do is a source of great embarrassment for many former players.

“You’d think a producer would feel bad making somebody like Richie┬áBenaud try and sell memorabilia,” he said.

“But television producers don’t have souls. They’d slide over the read to Richie and put a single bullet into a Smith & Wesson and give him a choice,”

“Either read the ad out to the millions of people watching the broadcast, or be shot like a spy.”

“Most times, the commentators┬ájust read out the ad and move on.”

But not everybody has much pity for the aging white men on huge pay packets having to do something they don’t want to.

When our reporters spoke to the average Joe Betoota, many said they simply didn’t care.

“Who buys that shit anyway?” asked one.

“Who even buys stuff they see on television these days? Do they know what year it is?”

Our reporter then conceded that this whole story is a bit of a ‘non-issue’ and barely felt motivated to file it.

More to come.

 

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