"Yo Dayum Bro They Traded My Guy Jaylen Brown" Says Office NPC

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Workers at one of our town's largest commercial advertising agencies have confirmed this week that the office's resident "Basketball Guy" has spent the entire afternoon wandering around trying to catch someone's eye after learning NBA star Jaylen Brown got traded.

Known to colleagues simply as "Basketball and Sneaker Guy", 28-year-old digital account executive Brayden has carefully built an entire workplace personality around American basketball, despite nobody remembering him mentioning the NBL once.

"It's become the foundation of nearly every interaction," said one junior art director.

"You ask how his weekend was and suddenly he's explaining why the Celtics home court looks the way it does."

Others report an annual personality shift that arrives every February, when Basketball Guy seamlessly rebrands as "American Sports Guy" for exactly nine hours surrounding the Super Bowl.

"He suddenly starts calling everyone 'bro', tells us Patrick Mahomes is literally him, then disappears until the NBA Playoffs."

However, insiders say today's trade has hit harder than most, largely because it has jeopardised several elaborate gambling multis already assembled before 8am.

"He's got this genuinely concerning habit of putting together fifteen-leg same-game multis worth like $400," said one concerned account director.

"It'll be stuff like Jaylen Brown 27+, Tatum over 31, Derrick White four assists, first basket to Dwyane Wade, Celtics by 9–12, Brown first three-pointer, over 223.5 total points, and somehow he'll convince himself it's 'basically free money'."

As the afternoon edition of The Advocate goes to print, Basketball Guy had begun explaining salary cap mechanics to a colleague who only asked whether he was in for Thursday drinks at Gilhooleys, because if he was, his colleague was not.

More to come.