Worthless Huntsman Allows Gnat Population To Explode In Local Man's Kitchen

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A huntsman left alone to control insects in a Betoota Heights kitchen has been criticised by the homeowner this week for allowing a population of gnats to get out of hand.

Earlier this week, Ray Vukomon of Greentree Circuit happened upon a largish huntsman spider in the laundry. His usual reflex is to remove a thong from a trotter and go at it like an outdoor cat in a room of pigeons.

But this time, he let it live. For a purpose.

"Ah, we've had problems with mozzies and fruit flies, so I thought, fuck it. Provided the missus doesn't see it, he can stay and help me keep a lid on the cunsathings [sic], but he hasn't."

"Look at him [points at spider on wall]. Fucking useless. Fuck knows what he's been up to. All eight of its eyes must be painted on."

Vukomon said he's uneasy about spraying any more Mortein on the ceiling in order to control the gnats. He told The Advocate that he put half a can on the roof a few days ago but had to stop when it gave him "gut pain" and "dizziness".

"Every time I spray that Mortein, it makes me need to poo. No idea why, but it can't be good for you. Spraying on the ceiling is no good, either. It all lands back on your face. I reckon it took me a week to feel normal again after the last spraying," he added.

"I shouldn't even need to spray. I've got a huntsman up there, but he's doing fuck all."

More to come.