ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Albanese Government has today announced a ban on the importation of Canadian maple syrup, citing no clear reason other than fuck you too.
The move comes after Canadian food authorities quietly blocked a shipment of Vegemite earlier this year, declaring the iconic Australian spread to be “non-compliant” with local food regulations due to its added vitamins.
Trade Minister Don Farrell confirmed the retaliatory action this morning, stating Australia would no longer tolerate passive-aggressive mug offs of our national pantry.
“If Canada wants to come for Vegemite, then they can kiss their silly tree juice goodbye,” said Farrell.
“Vegemite is probably too healthy for them.”
The ban will apply to all Canadian maple syrup products, effective immediately, with additional restrictions being considered on poutine cheese curds, ketchup chips, and any other shit they eat over there.
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has voiced rare support for the government’s position, stating he would have escalated further by having the Canadian ambassador summoned, detained and flogged with a length of jumper leads.
The Canadian Government has not yet responded.
A spokesperson for the Department of Foreign Affairs said the move was “firm, fair and frankly overdue.”
“You don’t ban Vegemite and expect to keep exporting your shitty sugar water,” the spokesperson said.
“Golden syrup is better anyway.”
Diplomatic relations between the two countries remain officially intact, though both sides have reportedly entered what DFAT has described as a light but deeply felt trade spat.
More to come.
