Victorian Government Shelve Plans For Dan Andrews Statue Over Concerns Wealthy Lefties Won't Be Able To Stop Smooching It

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact

The Victorian Government is not standing with Dan this week as they cancel a planned statue of former Premier Dan Andrews over concerns wealthy, laptop-class workers who didn't suffer during the pandemic won't be able to stop themselves from smooching it.

Victoria routinely makes statues of their former leaders and places them in parks around their Parliament. Andrews was next in line to be made immortal in bronze.

However, there have been threats from cashed-up bleeding hearts around Melbourne.

Build the statue, and we will defile it with love.

It's caught current premier Ben Carrol of guard, who said the northside landlords who pulled themselves silly over Dan's spicy cough lockdowns need to check themselves.

"It's certainly disappointing," said Carrol.

"A statue is supposed to stand as a reminder of a passage of time. Not be some object for Melbourne's bird-lipped pork-pie hat wearers to come and pash and whatnot. It's truly terrible that they've come out and said this. That if we build the statue, they will try to poke their tongue into Dan's bronze mouth,"

"Lord knows what else they'd do."

On the inverse, the Government is also concerned that opponents of Dan's self-indulgent spicy cough response will damage the statue. Which they feel will lead to more conflict in a time when unity and "social cohesion" is sorely missed from our crumbling society.

"The last thing we need is some of the CFEMU ethnics coming in here and throwing a chain around Dan's statue and pulling it down," added Carrol.

"Because that could happen as well. Believe it or not, Dan's legacy is still quite divisive down here. He's a bit like Sir Joh but evil. Actually, don't print that."

More to come.